In the future we'll all be gay
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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