That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
