I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
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