Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
