Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
