Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
