Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
