My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
