dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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