Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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