so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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