i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
