Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
