i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
