How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
