At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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