Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
