youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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