there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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