I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
