The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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