I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
