Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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