all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
