mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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