she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
