Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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