how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
