My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
