You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
