I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
