I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
