She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
