oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
cat food counts as protein by the way
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
