I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
