Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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