I wish life had little blips of pornography
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
