Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
