someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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