every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
