FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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