She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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