i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize
