I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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