A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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