so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
