i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
The air taste purple.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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