Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
