I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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