The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
