u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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