I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
